1. |
i wrote a note
02:04
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|
a kitchen knife and a mixture of drain cleaner and bleach.
i was already half dead. tried to finish myself off.
but instead i laid in bed, bleeding bad, with burning lungs,
and nothing came of it.
i wrote a note, and now i know nobody will read it,
but it said, "now i can’t hurt anyone anymore"
and "i’m sorry mom."
i meant to keep writing but i found myself at a loss.
so when you found me, you shook your head,
and said "you can’t do this again."
well i can’t promise that. i can’t promise that.
i wrote a note and now i know nobody will read it.
i’m sorry mom, i’m sorry mom, i’m sorry mom
a kitchen knife and a mixture of drain cleaner and bleach.
i was already half dead. tried to finish myself off.
but i never could finish the things i start.
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2. |
twenty-seven highway
01:52
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|
bought some things i didn’t need.
walked somewhere and i got lost.
in the car there’s a Dane Cook comedy bit
on Sirius XM.
"someone shit on the coats!"
21 city, 27 highway.
this is where my new life starts.
stay up all night. sleep never.
watch TV 'til the male pattern baldness infomercials come on.
and leave all the lights in the house
blindingly bright.
21 city, 27 highway.
this is where my new life starts.
doesn’t feel new. doesn’t feel like a life.
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3. |
Rantoul
03:07
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|
spent 4 days holed up in a guest bedroom in rural Illinois.
my uncle beat somebody up at a softball game.
mom’s new car is nice. they all say it’s nice. it’s a Jeep Patriot.
my grandma is 80 years old.
still curses like a sailor. fuck. shit.
so much fight left in her bones.
heard they’re closing down the Chanute Air And Space Museum.
heard they’re moving all the planes to a different museum.
on the back porch i talked with my aunt about Pig Destroyer.
the next morning we visited Jonathan’s grave site.
we miss you, man.
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4. |
therapist's office
03:01
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|
i was on my way to the new therapist’s office
to fill out paperwork for an hour and a half.
i saw someone i used to know
passing by on a bike. he averted his gaze.
my ankle feels broken but i know it’s not.
i’ll keep walking.
there’s a cluster of three painful sores searing my inner thigh
when i take a step.
i’ll keep walking.
every couple blocks i wanna drop to the sidewalk and sob.
i’ll keep walking.
a friend sent a text asking how i’d been.
it was hard to explain.
this is not a body, it’s a burnt-out shell.
i was never ill-intentioned but i lived in Hell.
is this some sort of ascension? i can’t tell.
i have the courage to change what i can’t,
but i’m still working on the serenity to accept what i can’t.
even if i could fix everything, i’d still be damned.
i can’t ask for understanding. i can’t ask for love.
i can’t ask for forgiveness. when push comes to shove,
the jury has spoken.
i’m still broken.
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5. |
opportunities
02:29
|
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|
my dad took me to the movies and he told me he has cancer.
i can’t stop thinking about people who want nothing to do with me.
well, what if i move to LA and live with my sister and get some mindless job?
and maybe i could find a place to play a little bit of music?
it’s been two and a half months and i would still shoot myself in the face if presented with the opportunity to do so.
i know what i have done wrong, i just don’t know what i’m supposed to do now.
whatever you think will work, it won’t.
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6. |
backstories
04:02
|
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|
i should have drank another bottle of water before i left the house.
the bridge spans half the curvature of the earth.
i lean over the railing. i look down at the mighty green river.
i make up backstories for the people passing by.
try to imagine i’m them.
try, try, try to imagine i’m them.
there are people i betrayed in Worcester, Mass.
there are people i hurt in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
there are people i fucked over in Gainesville, Florida.
and there are countless people here.
my path of destruction is crystal clear.
looking over my shoulder for potential assassins.
waiting for my killers to come knocking at my door.
looking up facts about Dragonforce online,
stuffing my face with chocolate.
the most i can do is try to move away from the cruelness.
the most i can do is try to get away from the violence.
the most i can do is to hope for closure.
closure, closure, closure. close your eyes.
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7. |
Libra shaves
04:03
|
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|
Cameron called and said he wants to hang out.
Derrick called and said they want to hang out.
don’t know if we will, but i’m just happy to hear from someone.
i used too much shaving cream again.
i always underestimate the amount that will come out.
my birthday’s in 5 days.
a year ago i was on top of the world,
now i’m at the bottom of the barrel.
three months ago i was unsuspecting,
now i suspect everything.
a year ago i felt lucky to have the life that i had,
now i guess i’m just lucky to be alive.
three years ago i did some awful things,
and i hate the old me, and i hate the current me,
and i am ashamed.
i used too much shaving cream again.
i always underestimate the amount that will come out.
i miss traveling, but this is what i get.
i miss my best friends, but this is what i get.
i miss the songs i used to love, but this is what i get.
i deserve it, oh god, i’m sorry.
i deserve it, it’s all my fault.
oh god, i’m sorry, i deserve it.
this is not a pity song, just let me moan into the void.
i can still barely hold down food,
and i still wanna burn all the hair off my skin.
i still wanna do something drastic,
and if i do you won’t be able to stop me this time.
i used too much shaving cream again.
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||||
8. |
it's Thanksgiving
01:53
|
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|
there's something terrifying about the concept of
family you don’t know.
the turkey’s okay but a little dry.
i can’t wait to go.
my great aunt had brain surgery.
i’ve never met her before.
she’s doing okay now, it’s fine.
my eye is on the door.
she asked me if i go to school.
she asked me what i do for a living.
i had to lie.
i hate to lie,
but i had to lie, lie, lie, lie
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9. |
acid reflux
02:02
|
|||
|
sometimes i have to get up
in the middle of the night
to vomit.
i curse too much when i play video games.
i haven’t showered in a week. i smell awful.
i can’t believe i think so much about dying
when my own father
is on the brink of it himself,
but i told my mom i’d rather be six feet under.
i’d rather be in the grave, in the grave, in the grave.
i’d rather be in the grave.
i drink a full bottle of water before bed,
and i pray, and i pray for healing.
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||||
10. |
alchemy
03:00
|
|||
|
reheat the leftover Kentucky Fried again.
god, the potato wedges are divine.
stay up till 5 watching Youtube videos again,
laugh myself to sleep like every other night.
it’s been a year since i tried to die.
not much has changed, not much has changed.
i met a friend, i lost a friend.
not much has changed.
i bought a ticket, i skipped out on it.
not much has changed, not much has changed.
i found my sisters, i lost my dad.
not much has changed.
|
||||
grand cross Normal, Illinois
"journal songs"
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