figure 9

by grand cross

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02:19
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about

this album was written and recorded between November 2016 and May 2017. it documents ongoing personal growth and the doubts, dangerous thought patterns, and solemn resolutions that tend to accompany these sorts of journeys. there must be a way to break out of this loop.

credits

released May 8, 2017

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grand cross Normal, Illinois

"journal songs"

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Track Name: something i'm supposed to do
nothing's changed outside, but Jesus H. Christ,
everything is different within.
i've been a brick in the lake, a head filled with lice.
but i'm rising out, i'm purging.

i know there's something i'm supposed to do.
i don't know what it is.
i know i have to stay alive.
i still don't know why.
but i'm trying.

i don't sleep in anymore. i don't waste my time.
i approach people and speak to them.
still can't contact old friends, still hated far and wide.
but i guess i haven't died.

i was looking for a job and found a job,
and heaven knows i needed it.

i know there are things i'm supposed to do.
i don't know what they are.
i know i have to stay alive.
i still don't know why.
but i'm trying.
Track Name: give up on all of my dreams
at this point i've had so many names,
i feel detached from all of them.

there'll come a time
when i have to give up on
all of my dreams.
it's just a matter of when.

for a minute i can sleep on the plane.
come to, and still feel the same.

there'll come a time
when i have to give up on
all of my dreams.
it's just a matter of when.
Track Name: drowned rat (rainy season)
my socks go "squish." they'll never dry.
like the amusement park water ride.
fuck my coat. fuck my hat.
get to work looking like a drowned rat.

up here,
rainy season lasts most of the year.

i isolate then reconnect.
find the icy veins inside my neck.
my ribs are so sore. i'm a god damn wreck.

up here,
it's rainy season for most of the year.
up here,
rainy season lasts most of the year.

wake up, self-loathe, go to work, come home,
self-loathe, eat food, go to sleep.
it's a pattern, it's all i know. wake up, self-loathe,
go to work, come home, go to sleep.

up here
Track Name: aren't you proud of me?
aren't you proud of me?
i haven't tried to kill myself in months.
aren't you proud of me?
i got a job that i don't really want.
aren't you proud of me?
my passion for music has been all but drained completely.
aren't you proud of me?
i have no time to do what i love freely.

i sleep constantly,
and every social situation i avoid.
i am losing my mind and my joy.
but that doesn't matter because i am employed.

aren't you proud of me?
Track Name: Lizzie's waltz
a girl i went to elementary school with
died of an overdose.
i don't know how to handle this info.
but i hope she's at peace now,
free from the illness that weighed her down here.

more importantly, though,
i hope her daughter will be able to grow up
happy, and healthy,
and not resent her mother
for leaving so soon.
Track Name: bodysnatched friends
i have to pretend you died,
and an unknown malicious entity
now inhabits your skin.
this is the only way i can reconcile
the concept that i've lost you
as my best friend forever.

how else can i explain you glaring when you see me,
instead of greeting me like warm weather?
no matter how many times i tell myself to just pull it together,
the knives come out and i'm untethered.

yeah, you and all my other old friends
are just creatures from beyond now.
that must be why you're out seeking my blood.
well, i'm not gonna give it up.

and if i can't expel those demons from your body,
then i have to run along and move on.
i have to be strong and run along.
i have to move on and be strong.
Track Name: your parents
i know everything is awful right now
but i'm overjoyed that you're in my life.
i know everything feels like fucking trash right now
but just give it a little time.

'cause soon enough we'll be a little freer.
things have a way of working out, you know.
tell your mom i'm excited to meet her,
and i'm gonna punch your dad right in the throat
Track Name: hole in the fence (startin' somethin')
i've lost a toddler worth of weight.
feeling better than i have in years.

working too much to talk to you.
feeling worse than i have in years.

in the waking world, there's no mercy
for people like me.
i don't think i was meant to be here
for very long.

so, why am i still here? some kind of fluke?
it doesn't make sense.
an error in the simulation. a hole in the fence.
i don't wish i was dead anymore.
i just wish i was alive.

"too high to get over,
too low to get under,
you're stuck in the middle
and the pain is thunder"
Track Name: crows n geese
worked at the liquor store from open till close.
13 hours on my feet. Lord only knows
i could always use an honest job and honest pay.

and the crows descend upon the liquor store.
and the geese descend upon
the Fine Wine And Good Spirits on the south side.
i think i'm held hostage by obligation.

i keep trying to think of my life as a video game,
because at least then, me avoiding death
would count for something,
or maybe even get me ahead.
but instead, it's just expected of me
to power through it. to keep suffering.

the crows descend upon the liquor store.
and the geese descend upon
the Fine Wine And Good Spirits on the south side.

but how bad are my problems, really?
i have a job, a partner, food, and shelter.
i'm sometimes talented and usually smart.
i even have a couple of friends.
why do i think i have it so bad?
why am i so miserable? why am i not fulfilled?
i mean, how bad do i really have it?

not bad enough.
not bad enough.
Track Name: my dad
i wish i'd told my dad that i'm trans, before he died.
better yet, i wish he'd known all along.
all too often, i feel the need to hide.
i wish i had more than just these songs.

my skin is always crawling.
my stomach is always upset.
i'm tripping and i'm falling
with this dizzy, light head.

and i'm never even satsified
with any words i've ever said,
from when i struggle to stand in the morning
'till i stumble into bed.

and then i shroud myself in blankets,
and i wish my dad weren't dead.
that's it.