woke up from another trauma dream and tried not to scream.
it’s like a flashback, but worse, because it feels more real than ever.
the internet’s a place humanity goes to die, and so do i.
all my old friends just piled on me and made sure that i’d try
to end my own life. it wasn’t pretty, i was the last light in my city.
in my dream, i bled for hours-- it was just like i remembered.
but then the violence kept escalating and filling me further with fear.
then i had people at my door and they were stabbing me with spears.

and they were calling me a tranny, and they were clawing at my skin,
and they quickly bound and gagged me and punished me for all my sins.
and i always hate the part where the dream ends and i crumple in.
i find no comfort in the waking world, it’s all the same to me.
you win,
you win.

oh god, oh god, oh god

i keep hoping i can find a place
where i truly feel safe,
where i can wrap up in a blanket of good times
and just exist,
where i can be autonomous
and not be constantly opening my wrists.
this wish is unrealistic.

and i always fear i’m dangerous, even after all this progress.
like people don’t feel OK around me, like i’m a big corrosive mess.
like anyone who is my friend will soon be leaving me for dead
once the weight of threats and capital proves too great in the end.

but i’m trying, i’m moving forward, i’m accepting my circumstances.
they won’t all be duck-and-covers, but they won’t always be dances.
and i’ve finally started to strengthen the walls of this little shelter,
where i can help myself get better and wait out all this bad weather.

and Ariana told me i make a lot of folks feel safe when i’m around,
like an emotional support animal, but a person. and that was profound.
‘cause even now it’s so difficult to believe that about myself,
but it’s all i’ve ever wanted to be for anyone else.

and when i told Gabe i hate my brain, they told me “brains can suck, it’s true,
but sometimes yours helps you to do some good things, too.
it helps you to write these songs to fix the bad parts of itself.”
and i remembered why my notebook is never on the shelf.

it’s me i have forever, for better and for worse.
i’m stuck inside this body and it’s often just a curse.
but sometimes i find the beauty and i know why i’m still here.
there are some things i can’t get rid of, and one of them may be fear...

but another one is love,
and another one is hope.
it shines on me from above,
and i learn how to cope.

with every destructive nightmare,
i get closer to the light.
i just hope i get it right.
i hope i get it right this time.